For 38 years I went down the rabbit hole every time the “committee" in my head whispered nasty things. It usually happened when I faced new situations that intimidated me—a party I had to go to where I knew very few people, interviewing for anything, standing in front of a classroom full of students, even shopping in a mall. Verbal and emotional abuse from my adopted mother created that “committee” (therapists call it “tapes”) and the committee voices just wouldn’t shut up. When the voices started, I shrank into a corner, ran for the parking lot, or just plain didn’t show up at all.
What I heard: “you’re not good enough,” “you’ll never amount to anything,“ “stupid,” “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” Okay, that last one dates me. But honestly, those were just some of my internal demons. I’ll bet that if you’re reading this, you know and recognize some of your own bullying statements.
The truth is, they are all lies and you can make them stop!
Head Committees or “tapes” can be relentless
When I’ve had to stand in front of people, like I did as an instructor, I used to say to myself, “Push on, snap out of it! You’re an adult, you can handle this.” Telling myself those kinds of things helped, for five or ten minutes, but it never shut down the committee completely. And after the class was over, the committee always jumped back into action. I heard, “You really screwed that up! Why’d you say that in your presentation? Did you see that student’s face in the front row? You probably won’t see her again.”
Consciously, I knew the committee voices were spewing lies, but I didn’t know how to stop them. Someone told me, “Pray and ask for help.” I thought I might try it.
Getting an answer
I’d always been too nervous to pray because I didn’t know how. I had no knowledge about how to address God. I had no prayer language in my vocabulary. Do you say the same thing over and over, is it a litany?
I finally decided I had nothing to lose, so I prayed. My grandmother told me God uses people to help others, so I followed the suggestion a friend gave me and just started from where I was at, at that moment.
I prayed, “Hi God, it’s me. Thanks for all you’ve done for me so far. Um, I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but could You bring someone into my life that will help me shut down the committee in my head? Or maybe please just give me some kind of experience, or the right thing to read, or a podcast to watch that'll teach me how to shut it down? I’m willing to fix this problem myself, I just don’t know how.”
Grandmother also taught me that, “Heavenly Father loves all of us equally and wants us to have joy. Joy just means a daily sense of well-being, an internal peace that will always be there, no matter the circumstances. Even when there are problems or challenges we can still, if we allow ourselves, learn from those challenges and build internal strength by getting through them.”
“Whaa-? Okay, please don’t bring me any more adversity, God, I’ve got plenty of that. I’ll just try to learn in one of those other ways I asked You about, okay?”
After two weeks, an answer to my prayer came as an impression in my mind. The impression I felt was that if I committed to do my best to learn and put into practice what I was taught, the knowledge of how to shut down the committee would come. I needed take a deep breath and quiet myself, start becoming aware of when the voices started, then practice saying one of the five truisms that are listed below.
I learned the five truisms below when a counselor, a teacher, came into my life. I knew God brought him because I met him through a friend of a friend. It felt like a coincidence at the time, but with God there are no coincidences. My teacher was honest and nonjudgmental. But more importantly, he knew what I was talking about when I described “the committee.” He said it was a common issue with many people—“You are not the only one carrying around all that crap in your head. A lot of people who come out of toxic relationships, of any kind really, often have tapes in their head like yours, that play over and over again, and usually right when you don’t want to hear it.”
It did help to know I wasn’t alone and especially that I wasn’t crazy. I’ll admit that my biggest fear was that if I exposed what was going on in my head I’d be committed to a psych ward. I could just see the men in white coats coming to take me away. Ultimately, I learned that my fear of psych wards was one of my tapes, too.
My therapist, John Waterbury, gave me “Five Don’ts to Combat the Lies.” Over time, and with practice, they replaced the voices of my committee.
It took time, months, but the volume in my head began to diminish and finally shut down the committee for good.
THE 5 DON’TS THAT HELP SHUT DOWN THE COMMITTEE
1. Don’t believe everything you think. I tended to believe that all my thoughts were accurate, that what was said (you’re so stupid, why’d you do that? What a dumb idea) was true.
NO! The thoughts, the voices in my head were based on insults from my adopted mother; they never left me. But Waterbury says, “You are constantly changing and growing. Many of your old limitations are just that: old and limiting. Challenge them!”
2. Don’t be controlled by internal fears. Fears are like red lights on a dashboard. They indicate that action must be taken.
One of my fears was having to speak in front of a group of women who seemed more sophisticated. You know: perfect makeup and hair, expensive business clothes with matching expensive heels. Looking into their expectant faces, I froze as my internal committee said, “You’re not as good as these women, not as refined, not as smart, not as capable. What could you possibly have to say that’s worth their time?”
However, since it was impossible to outrun my fears, I tried Waterbury’s recommendation: I decided to face my fear and embrace it. I said to myself, “How someone looks doesn’t tell me how they feel, what their backgrounds are, or even what they may think of me. We are all God’s children, we all came from the same Place. This presentation isn’t about you, Janet. What can you give these women? They are here to hear you, serve them, get out of your own way. If they accept your presentation or not, it is up to them. Do your best.”
Facing my fear in that way helped me eventually realize I was stronger than my fears. As #1 states, don’t believe everything you think; thoughts are just thoughts, they do not present reality.
Feel the fear but do it anyway!
3. Don’t define yourself by your past. I came out of my upbringing with Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 46. I was emotionally unstable and felt worthless and insecure. I was impulsive and made bad decisions about relationships, money, and food. I had an eating disorder (compulsive overeating). I was in debt because I had no money skills. And I had been married and divorced twice. I had tremendous shame and embarrassment about my past and never shared details with anyone unless I had to.
Waterbury taught that My future—YOUR future—is more than the sum of mistakes made. We, all of us, are more than our natural tendencies, stronger than our natural inclinations, and have greater capacities than we realize.
It helps to remember that what we’ve done in the past was the best we could do at the time, especially if there was a toxic background. I have learned to look at past mistakes as part of the journey that pushed me to get the “whys” of those choices, to understand myself, to choose differently going forward in my life. In fact, when I finally got some answers about those “whys” I gained some internal peace. I survived those rough times in spite of my shortcomings and learned to do better. When we know better we do better.
4. Don’t define yourself by someone else’s perception. For a long time, I didn’t realize that who I thought I was a direct reflection of my toxic mother’s opinions. The tapes that played in my head enforced her judgments. How she saw me, saw life, were a direct result of her own upbringing. Did she do the best she could? Maybe. It was a different generation without the insights we have today.
Here’s the truth: You are unique, your reason for being is unique. All that you’ve been through in the past and all that you’re going through now are part of your preparation for what you will offer in service to others when the time is right. Nothing is wasted. Everything is preparatory. Say that to yourself every day. Even if you don’t believe it at first, eventually you WILL!
5. Don’t be controlled by what you feel. I was a victim of my unstable emotions and neediness for a long time. When I was in high school, I had an immense crush on my English teacher. He was thirty-two, handsome, well-spoken, and funny. I hung on his every word, and he knew it. One day I answered a question to the class and he laughed, then said, “Janet… what a spaz!” I was stunned! He laughed at me and my classmates laughed, too. It didn’t occur to me to report him to the principal. I’d have to stand up for myself and I didn’t know how. Instead, I felt I deserved to be made fun of, humiliated. I thought about it for months, was I a “spaz?” My mother treated me as worthless so maybe it was true. I was glad when the semester changed and I never had to see the man again.
When I was 46 I learned that feelings are just chemicals! Since that is true, we can decide to be stronger than what we feel. Waterbury again: “Do what needs to be done no matter how you feel. And though you are never very far from old programming, you can still grow beyond your old patterns.”
Feel the feeling, change the thought! OR feel the fear but do it anyway!
In Practice: A Case Study
I started my first teaching assignment in 2001 with a class of 30 college students. Nervous, fear almost immobilized me. To manage my fear I said out loud, “All these students are people who came from the same God as me. I do not know their heartaches, problems, or insecurities, but they have them because they’re human. Don’t think about myself, serve each person in this classroom. I am prepared so I don’t have to fear.”
Also, the night before and, the morning of my first class, I prepared:
I took a deep breath,
closed my eyes and got quiet,
then listened, being alert to when the committed started.
Then I used the 5 Don’ts.
Next, I practiced a “litany”—seven statements of my own choosing—as I got ready to go. Then, over and over as I drove to work. I said these things out loud:
I am not defined by anyone else’s perception
I am prepared so I don’t have to fear
I have past experiences, but that isn’t who I am now
We all come from the same place with God
It is my privilege to serve
I am stronger than my past
Feel the feeling change the thought!
I stood before my class of students and looked into their faces.
What do they need? How can I serve them? God’s given me these skills and now I get to use them.
Some faces showed their worry about this class, some showed expectation, and some looked bored. But there were also students who looked ready to learn. And the thought came, “I am here to teach these students what they will need to know to go forward, to earn their degrees, and succeed, however that may look for them.”
With those recognitions, my fear stopped and I presented the prepared material. For the first time in a new situation, I didn’t think about myself, how I looked, or what I thought others might be thinking. I wasn’t even concerned about making a mistake. When I did make a mistake, I said out loud, “Oops, that was wrong.” I laughed and the students laughed with me.
When class was over, I felt a deep-rooted sense of satisfaction. My system was not jumping with adrenaline. I was at peace. And that was joy, a feeling that God really does want us to succeed and be happy. Not only for me, but for all of us.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Best of all? No committee voices chimed in to insult me when class was over.
In the end, it took time and practice, but eventually my internal committee disbanded. I can still get nervous with new situations, but I continue to put my learned habits into practice and go forward.
It works! Stay focused on the outcome, stay committed to using these steps, and be patient with yourself. Your ultimate goal of no committee in your head, can be reached. The more you practice your new habit the more success you will have.
And. . .success builds on success.
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