I have a lot of experience with self-talk or, as I like to call it, the voices from the committee in my head.
Even though it’s actually just “one” voice—my adopted mother’s voice—it always sounds like an onslaught of many voices all coming at me at once – and the things the “voices” say are NOT NICE! It took 40+ years to shut up the committee. Therapists also call these voices, tapes… like tape recordings that play over and over, usually triggered by fearful or anxiety-causing events. Tapes/committees can block you from having a happy, healthy life – it sure did for me for over 30 years.
What helped? I learned to change my self-talk through cognitive behavioral therapy.
Here's what Healthline says about CBT: https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-behavioral-therapy)
“Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a treatment approach that helps you recognize negative or unhelpful thought and behavior patterns.
CBT aims to help you identify and explore the ways your emotions and thoughts can affect your actions. Once you notice these patterns, you can begin learning how to change your behaviors and develop new coping strategies. CBT addresses the here and now, and focuses less on the past.”
Here’s what CBT, combine with other therapy, helped me recognize as negative self-talk—the committee in my head:
1. All or Nothing Thinking—black and white, good or bad, win or lose, success or failure.
When I asked my husband what he thought of the special meal I prepared, he said, “Oh, it was okay.” And I thought, “Wow, he didn’t like it.” —all or nothing thinking.
The fix: I learned to look at the “results” and tried to understand my husband differently, observing his other behaviors. For example: he ate all the food and he chowed down fast. Plus, his responses to other things, things that excite me, are still, “oh, it’s okay.” What excites him? Car engines… I don’t get that!
2. Perfectionism—you have to be perfect or your actions have to be perfect before you feel okay.
I always wanted to try painting, so I signed up at a local art store for a two-day class. The instructor taught his specific method of painting and by the end of the first day what I had completed looked like a mess, just the background dull color and some outlining. I almost didn’t go back because it wasn’t perfect. The second day we put in color and detail. Still not perfect, but better. I learned, “progress not perfection.”
I learned that everyone starts in the same place. No one begins a new job, a new relationship, a new project knowing how to do it, not to mention starting out perfect. Over time, if we are diligent in learning, have a willingness to try, and a desire to improve, what we achieve will be better than what we started with. AND, more importantly, the results can be what pleases us, not someone else’s idea of what’s acceptable or done well.
3. Over-generalization—if it happened one time, it will always happen like that again.
My husband loves fried potatoes. He had created his own version of fired potatoes that was satisfying. When we were first married he asked me to make him some. I had never made fried potatoes and was too embarrassed to ask for instructions. So, I just jumped in, sliced the potatoes, greased the frying pan and threw them in. The result: some pieces cooked, some over-cooked (can we say almost charcoal?), some slices were raw. He said, “You’ve never cooked fried potatoes before, have you?” Nope, and I never will try again. Because if my potatoes turn out like this, that’s how they’ll turn out the next time… that’s over-generalization.
I had that attitude about a lot of things I’d tried once and failed at the first time. Where did that come from? A mother who had no patience with my mistakes and wouldn’t teach me how to do things differently after my first failed attempt at anything—sewing, knitting, cooking… I was no good at any of it the first time I tried. But who would be? It took working with other people with healthy expectations to change my self-talk and self-esteem.
As for potatoes, fortunately, my husband was forgiving and offered to teach me his method and he stood beside me when I attempted to cook them.
4. Global Labeling— “If I fail at one thing, I will fail at everything.”
This is similar to over-generalizing and black and white thinking. For me, my failure with one thing meant I’d fail at everything? How to use a knife as a left-hander.
I grew up in the era when the unspoken perspective of being a left-hander was evil. Searching about being left-handed on the Internet, you will: “historically been regarded as the mark of the devil, and during the Salem Witch Trials, it was considered the sign of a witch (https://www.ranker.com/list/left-hand-facts/bailey-benningfield) We’re not even talking about using scissors or being forced to write with the right-hand in grade school.
I have a memory of the paring knife being yanked out of my left-hand as I attempted to cut a carrot into slices. I was too awkward and too slow. Never again… if I failed cutting up a carrot, I’d fail cutting up lettuce, green peppers, and potatoes.
It wasn’t until 2007, yep just 16 years ago, that I learned that the kind of knife used and its sharpness makes all the difference in the kitchen. You can cut just fine with either hand if you have the right tools.
5. Catastrophizing—Anything that goes wrong means disaster.
Have you ever been in a car accident and were so shaken up by it you said you’d never drive again? I had a rear-end collision at 65 miles an hour on the freeway when construction made traffic come to a dead stop.
After that, I only drove around in town where the speed limit was 25 miles an hour and there was a stop light every four blocks for a year. If I had an accident going faster or being on the freeway, then I just won’t go there because if “anything goes wrong it means disaster.”
One thing going wrong does not mean disaster forever going forward into the future. It took one attempt on the freeway, in the slow lane, after another attempt on the freeway in the middle lane, before I learned I had “stinkin’ thinkin” about accidents.
We can learn attitudes, bias, even behaviors by osmosis in our childhood. If you have grown up in a dysfunctional home with a parent, (or both), that have learned unhealthy, sometimes damaging, behaviors and attitudes from their parents, you could have some “Mistakes of the Mind” as described here, identified by therapist John Waterbury.
The good news is, the when we “know better we can do better.”
Cutting with my left hand, making fried potatoes, and driving on the freeway are things I do all the time with no drama or anxiety. Perfect? No, but who needs that!!
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